Saturday, November 18, 2006

AM: I wake up around 8.30 feeling shitty and still tired. Outside the day opens up nicely, sunny and chilled. I soon reluctantly pull myself together despite a lack of milk. I find myself heading over to Asda for newspapers and provisions, half because I am afraid to see the lady in the Layer Road paper shop that I became stroppy at yesterday. I stumble into Asda wearing a hoodie, wandering aimlessly without a basket or trolley, looking like a shoplifter. As a precursor to this, the security barriers at the entrance sound the alarms as I go IN the store.

I get home and feel determined to study on this day. I put on Jonathan Ross’s Radio Two show and sit at my desk, sat in a study position. I flip on my work PC and consider what to do. I decide to test out the new hacked DVD ripper program that I got off Soulseek and with this PC set to Region 1, I find myself spending my Saturday morning comfortably watching my DVD of Sweethearts. This is a lost indie classic, for cred it has a cameo by Stephen Malkmus singing in a coffee shop as it stars Janeane Garofalo with a supporting cast including Margaret Cho and Bobcat Goldthwait. This is a movie about the bipolar condition long before Stephen Fry even knew he had it – very glib. And it sure beats studying.

PM: as ITV begins showing the original (and probably superior) version of Casino Royale (Woody Allen AND Peter Sellers – good times) I finally open the books up and manage some study. Once more it is skim study only but at least it is a step forwards.

3PM hits and before I know it Millwall are already losing 1-0 to Doncaster and that animal Mark McCammon. Eventually the game ends at 2-2 as I find myself downloading both Audacity and AVG in the name of improving my internet PC. In the background a Pink Panther movie shows up on TV and I am lost to the ages.

Earlier I received a text from Justin calling me out to hang out this evening. I welch and fail to respond, I don’t want to socialise until after the exam, the distraction only serves to put a toll on me and the financial implications at this time are hazardous to say the least.

My Saturday evening is lame and for a second night/weekend running I accomplish nothing on the high night of the week. TV is dead and so am I. What more could I be doing at these times? Answers on a postcard. At least I am not feeling depressed this week, just lazy and ashamed. Morale is surprisingly high for times so shoddy. I browse my harddrive for something to watch and I find a couple of episodes of the US Office and Carell rocks the house whilst also rocking me to sleep before 10PM on a Saturday night! I should be ashamed.

Unsurprisingly I wake up in the middle of the night, unable to fall back to sleep. The time is just past 2AM and I more awake than I have been all week. I attempt to do something positive by listening to my revision CDs (hypnosis style) but instead my mind wanders in only the way the though process can go in the middle of the night, during a bout of insomnia. To say I mentally beat myself up is saying the very least as I consider my actions both past, present and future. Obviously I think, like a broken record, about my sacking two years ago. Was it my fault or was it their fault? Could it have been handled any differently? Did I buckle like a belt; give in too easily like a wimp? Surely they were discriminating against me, even to the point of mental health issues. I then consider my own sanity and how I act/react in life. I feel myself physically blush when I remember how I used to have a rubber dong on my desk at my second job in Wivenhoe. And then that reminds me of that period, of B driving me wilfully insane and the latter days of Gringo Records, a label that may or may not have thrived since. Fortunately around 4AM I remember that Channel Four is showing the George And Mildred spin-off movie which sees me once more mentally transporting to my apparent “happy place” in the seventies. I can only roll my eyes.

Slowly it becomes apparent that I am unlikely to get back to sleep in these early hours, so I finish off watching Friends With Money, which I gave up on last month. Today it is much watchable. When that finishes, the time has almost reached 6AM, my usual waking time and as a last resort I put on an avi of Manhatten in the hope that the familiarity will send me to sleep. Finally, it does.

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