Monday, November 06, 2006

AM: Monday morning and it’s the breakfast club. Today it is good though, Chris and I sit in seats that mean we don’t have to shout at eachother to have a conversation and from there it flows in a manner that has struggled to happen between us recently. For a Monday morning, it is a very good performance on my part.

Today isn’t frost, today isn’t cold, it is just a tad foggy and brisk. I arrive at Liverpool Street to a sign stating delays on the Central Line but it is fine, the tube I get on is only semi full and the ride is comfy until some cunt in a turban steps on my toes at Notting Hill station, persisting in knocking his briefcase against me on the escalator. Just what was he hiding with these actions?

The morning flies by with my attendance seeing me acting next to mute, I truly am in a world of my own today.

PM: As the day rolls on, the fouler my mood becomes. At lunchtime I make the mistake of attempting to edit some of the book and I make the mistake of looking at a really heavy entry from two years ago. As I stand already significantly spaced out, reading that entry genuinely makes me wonder about my own sanity. I found at the time and still find the people’s actions and attitudes at that time relentless but akin with that old chestnut “history repeats itself” I can’t help but wonder/consider/think/feel that I am still stuck at the same place now as I was then. It feels weird going over this shit AGAIN and suddenly I wonder if retracing the old content by turning it into a book is such a wise idea if every five minutes I am going to have these same ‘Nam-esqe flashbacks. I now even find myself questioning my decisions with Gringo on the day that I hear Reynolds are reforming for a one-off gig. Such indecision should be wiped from my mind, I really don’t think I could have done things any better without stopping being true to myself. The old email extract bothers me though, suddenly, on a day like this, I feel the treachery in Matt’s apparent consultation with my “friends”. It’s a weird thing to be described as a liability in any context. I knew in 2002 that the label had long seen its best days behind it and the rejection of my suggested releases pointed towards a lack of vision and movement. The release total may have doubled since I left but none of those have even flattered to deceive.

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