Saturday, December 15, 2007

Saturday 15 December 2007

After the shenanigans (or rather non-shenanigans) of the night I again wake up in Manor Park in a big bed next to a big person (in many capacities). Again last night has raised more questions than it has answered. What is going on here? Where do I stand with this person? She pulls me close then pushes me away. She says one thing then acts like she means the opposite. I’m not up to mind tricks my ego will not allow it to work in my favour and I am not good or confident enough with people to steer things into a direction that will make things work in my favour.

Again she is snoring. It is an insane sound, deep, heavy and throaty. Is this to do with the fact that she smokes or the size of her bulk? It doesn’t put me off.

Before long I am fully awakened and bored by just lying in bed. I look out of the bedroom window to see a bright, exciting looking day. I then remember how I kicked the duvet off the bed during the night in the hope that it would cause Zoë to cuddle up next to me. Now however I am shivering and would really like to have that duvet back as it now just sits on the floor by the bed going unused.

Eventually she stops snoring. Fortunately this is not a sign of her stopping breathing, more an indication that she is about to awaken at any moment. When she does I am looking at her, looking at her face which means the first thing she sees when she comes around is my gawping face seemingly eager to please like a lost puppy. It is a true wonder that when she opens her eyes she does not scream violently.

In an act of good fortune I don’t think either of us hangovers. Soon Zoë is up and making us coffee in the kitchen. Almost immediately the TV is switched on as I sit feeling awkward watching the news.

There is a huge elephant in the room. Just what are we doing? And what should I be doing? As with last night as I make gestures to get moving she tells me not to worry, not to rush.

It turns out that she has nothing in her flat for breakfast so with this I offer to head out to get some stuff and buy the Saturday newspapers. She asks me to get her a Guardian and a bottle of Diet Pepsi.

As I step out into the Christmas Saturday morning I feel some joy attached to proceedings. Am I really as close as it seems to being with somebody? This certainly feels like a couples thing to be doing; going out to get provisions for us. Then I quickly remember what she said just before we hopped into bed together: “this does not mean we are going out”.

Her flat it turns out is very close to the nearest Sainsburys. Another place on what is fast becoming a very appealing flat to me; I can easily see why she is paying through the nose to live here.

I step into the shop and it’s a rough one, reminding me of the first time I entered the Asda in Harlesden. We’re not in Colchester now.

Like a sweetheart I buy her a bag of premium cookies on top of the Diet Pepsi as requested (two bottles). I also get her a Guardian before I spot The Simpsons movie on DVD on promotion which I buy her as she was saying how she wanted to see it; perhaps this is something that we can do today.

From here I step back to her place where I present her with my gifts, perhaps a gesture of trying too hard.

By now she is putting on the radio to listen to Jonathan Ross on Radio Two (“I listen to that too”) as she heads off to have a bath. Before she jumps I make a visit to the little boys room where I spot next to the toilet she has her time of the month stuff out. Is this why she has been giving me the cold bum?

Before long I find myself sat on her sofa reading The Guardian while she has her bath. Seriously, what is going on? What am I doing? I begin texting people for advice. Racton responds along the lines of “you dog” not necessarily tapping into my angst. I even text Sunei for advice, a real act of desperation.

Soon she returns where she makes us more coffee as we sit together on the sofa listening to the radio and reading sections of The Guardian. From one perspective it is very comfortable (something I have always wanted) but from another it is crushing me with its awkwardness.

Thankfully the radio show is fun and relatively distracting. He plays a Badly Drawn Boy track from “Hour Of The Bewilderbeast” which is ironic because that is a record I put on last night. Should I take that as a sign?

This is the aftermath. Neither of us is on form, we are both strolling into recovery. Still there appears to be no indication that she wants me to go but neither is there any spark of anything for us to do. She asks me what I would be doing if I were at home right now and I suggest my routine. It hardly sounds exhilarating or the type of thing you would want to tap into. As ever I am unable to play myself up (sell myself) and I just manage to make it all sound so boring and unappealing. I make comment of how most of my friends have moved away now so the days are quiet. Why would I say something like this? I guess it is to avoid acknowledging the presence of the remaining elephant in the room.

So do I actually like Zoë? I like being in this place and being with somebody.

On the radio a fresh song arrives and it is fantastic, it sounds like Gang Of Four but actually turns out to be the new song from Nick Cave And The Bad Seeds getting its first airplay. I didn’t realise they even had a new record in the work. That should mean a tour in the new year and work for me. Hearing this song at this time in this place truly seals a special moment for me.

Why aren’t we talking? What is going on in her mind? What is she thinking?

Soon we are into the afternoon and it has been a good innings. As Jonathan Ross ends and the 1PM comedy hour begins on Radio Two with a Vic Reeves show I begin to make gestures to move. She tells me that I don’t have to go but I can’t see what we are going to do otherwise; neither of us is on form and there is no spark. I would really like this (us) to fly but the overriding impression I get is that she does not feel the same.

Just before 1.30PM I exit her flat. She thanks me and bids me farewell as I walk along the corner of Finsbury Park up a tough hill to Manor Park station. This is truly a walk of shame. Now I know it is December as despite the sun remaining out it is a very cold day.

Soon I reach the station and find myself on a tube heading down to Kings Cross and then over to Liverpool Street. In my mind my emotions are everywhere, what just happened? I didn’t exactly seal the deal but on the whole last night is more or less was the perfect night for me until the end, which despite the statement turned out just fine for me. It’s a fairly sad statement to make but in many ways this was the closest I have ever been to a person. And this is probably where things fall apart, where the imbalance of desires and needs arrives/occurs. For her it was probably just another night but for me it was too many firsts.

I wind up on the 2PM Norwich train home where the journey is spent by an annoying young lad sat opposite me banging my feet for much of the journey. I give him evil glares but as with the theme of the day, what needs saying goes unspoken.

By now Sunei has responded to my text message along the lines of “I don’t know”. I probably shouldn’t have bothered contacting her, I really don’t know if she can be trusted.

I get back to Colchester just before 3PM where my car is parked at my parents place meaning an additional walk of shame up North Hill. I also need to buy my own copy of The Guardian. As I emerge from the newspaper shop on North Station Road my phone beeps with the message:

“Hey you. Thanks for hanging out with me. Had a great night. Sorry to be so miserable today. Have a great rest of the weekend.”

What does that mean? Can I take it for face value? A little help.

Soon I am stepping into my parent’s place where the Christmas spirit seems live and well. I can’t believe I have been away from home for two nights three days now. My parents ask me where I have been and what I have been up to and I remain coy about things. I have already briefly mentioned Zoë (and how she is driving me insane) to mum but today I don’t bring anything new to the table, it would just serve to excite mum too much and cause her to think that I have finally met somebody, which in this state of limbo I feel is quite far from the truth.

Before long I am heading home where I finally grab an early night and a much required catch up on sleep. Maybe things will be clearer in the morning.

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